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Buddhism and grief: Using Lovingkindness to navigate loss

Ayya Suvira

26 March 2026

Loss is an unavoidable experience that will happen to everyone. The universal nature of loss is a central theme taken up for analysis in Buddhism, which provides many tools for understanding why a natural process, such as losing someone, can cause emotional suffering and grief.

One metaphor which comes from Buddhism to understand grief is the simile of the “two arrows” in the Salla Sutta*.

The first arrow: The initial experience of the loss itself.
The second arrow: The mental reaction to that loss, which is experienced as grief.

*The Salla Sutta is a Buddhist discourse, where the Buddha explains the difference between how an unlearned person and a trained disciple react to pain.

A stack of five smooth, gray stones balances on a mossy surface, set against a soft-focus green background creating a serene, tranquil atmosphere.

Understanding Lovingkindness (Mettā)

While losing someone can’t be changed, there is an ability to frame the meaning given to loss and create a mental space to feel supported. Buddhism provides multiple tools for doing this, of which mindfulness is increasingly well known. Recent evidence from research shows numerous benefits of mindfulness-based interventions for mental health-related outcomes¹.

One form of mindfulness related intervention which has come from Buddhism is a "lovingkindness intervention”. While perhaps not as well known in English speaking circles as body scan or sitting meditation, lovingkindness is derived from practices that are popular and beloved in Theravada Asia and worldwide. Lovingkindness intervention has also been shown to have positive outcomes in reviews of clinical research².

The origin of "lovingkindness intervention" lies in the four “divine abidings," which are exalted psychological states described by the Buddha, namely,

Lovingkindness
Compassion
Sympathetic joy
Equanimity

The first divine abiding is lovingkindness (mettā), which can be described as the absence of ill will. It is the same soft and gentle feeling we would have for a friend and makes us see lovableness in people. From the perspective of a practitioner, looking at loss through the light of lovingkindness opened up the possibility of gratitude and appreciation for lives lived, and peace with the transitions around us. It also allows us to forgive ourselves, including whatever complicated emotions we may be feeling, and things we think that we could have said or done better.

How to practice lovingkindness

A simple place to begin traditional lovingkindness meditation is with these words:

"May I be well, may I be happy, may I be at peace."

By gently wishing ourselves well, we create safety within our own minds to process whatever we are feeling about what has happened. Sad? Guilty? Overwhelmed? Angry? Grateful? Relieved? We can regard all of those emotions as temporary visitors to our minds and view them with lovingkindness.

As we continue to focus on the words of lovingkindness and we repeat them gently and silently to ourselves we can notice the soft and warm feeling of lovingkindness in our bodies. Once it feels very strong, filling our whole body, we can extend that simple wish for wellbeing to another person:

"May they be well, may they be happy, may they be at peace."

In the meditation manual, the Visuddhimagga, after extending lovingkindness to oneself, it is advised to start by selecting a simple focus for lovingkindness, such as a liked living person we have an unromantic relationship with.

A woman in a green shirt sits cross-legged on a wooden deck, hands on chest, eyes closed, surrounded by lush plants, conveying calm and serenity.

Start by doing 10 or 15 minutes repeating the words of lovingkindness, first to ourselves, then another, and sense the reaction to it: does the mind and body become lighter and softer? Remember to note how it feels after doing the exercise. Some people may initially struggle to engage with this exercise, for example, if they feel they are unworthy of love. However, everyone has some good attributes and nobody is unlovable.

Once a practitioner is competent with the first two persons, according to the Visuddhimagga, they should also cultivate lovingkindness to a neutral and disliked person.

A monk in an orange robe sits meditatively by a tranquil river, surrounded by lush green trees and stones, conveying peace and serenity.

Expanding the mindset

The Buddha also taught a simile about a salt crystal in the Loṇaphala Sutta. A little bit of salt in a jar tastes very salt; however, the same amount of salt is unnoticeable in a large river. Likewise, Buddhism uses lovingkindness as a tool to give ourselves a broader, more expanded mindset.

Lovingkindness meditation can be practiced either by itself or with other practices; as either a tool for a better life, post-loss coping or as a pathway to awakening. It can be done at a dedicated time and place, such as a chair or a cushion at home at the start or end of the day. According to the Mettā Sutta, this can be practiced irrespective of posture:

Standing
Sitting
Walking
Lying down

A way of life

While mettā chanting is a popular option for Theravada funerals in some cultures, such as Thai, in other Theravada cultures the emphasis is on texts that focus on impermanence. There is no universally agreed upon way to incorporate formal mettā practice after loss.

Mettā "makes things better". If at the end of the exercise you are feeling worse, this is a good opportunity to reassess, try something else and come back later. Traditional meditation teaching focuses on overcoming roadblocks with the guidance of a teacher.

While specific data for lovingkindness intervention for grief cannot be found, similar therapy includes:

Self-compassion: this has been shown to protect against severe grief symptoms³.
Cognitive behaviour therapy: Studies show this is more effective in the long term at treating severe grief than mindfulness, which is also effective but less so over time⁴.

Consideration should be given to the full range of grief support options available. Eventually, what is learned from lovingkindness meditation as a practice will become lovingkindness as a way of life. This way, lovingkindness doesn't become just another thing on our to do list or an empty part of the funeral chanting, but a way to have a more meaningful relationship with all of life's transitions.

References

1 (Galante et al., 2021; Gong et al., 2023; Witarto et al., 2022).

2 (Petrovic et al, 2024).

3 (Harris, 2021).

4 (Bryant et al., 2024).

Written by Ayya Suvira

Ayya Suvira is an ordained Buddhist nun (bhikkhuni) and is secretary of the Australian Sangha Association, and a Metropolitan Memorial Parks Community Engagement Committee representative. Ayya holds a BA in Religious Studies/Chinese from the University of Queensland. She has over a decade of experience in communicating Buddhist practice traditions to diverse audiences.